This is the first in a series of Blog entries designed to help you think about your relationships in the family.  We thought we would start by talking about the marital relationship since it forms the base for any couple.  We receive a number of calls each week from people who are feeling a great deal of stress in their relationship with their spouse or significant other.  The common theme is "we just don't communicate anymore."  This concern has many meanings from, “we can't ever agree” to “we can't talk about things” that are possibly going to create conflict.  If you don't address this issue fairly soon in a relationship, each person will begin to build walls and define subjects that are out of bounds for talking.  Did you ever wonder how the walls get started?  One of the most common communication mistakes is the result of neither person actually listening to the other person.  This pattern begins when one person finds a "trigger" word for the other one.  The common phrases/words are: “you don't...” or “why aren’t you more like...?” or “we can’t talk anymore” often followed by “you are so....”  When this happens the other person stops listening and starts planning their response(s) to whatever was said.  The original communication creates a sense of defensiveness in the other person and they feel bound to defend, often code for the conversation to become focused on self justification, which will become circular and will not lead to a resolution.  People fall into patterns in their everyday lives and even when they don't work, they will still try to find a way to make it work. 

 If you are going to learn to communicate more effectively, you will first need to focus on yourself.  No one is very successful at changing any patterns or behaviors until they can catch themselves doing the behavior.  The first step in making a difference is learning to listen to what you say and watch how it affects the other person.  Will you be able to change this quickly? Maybe not, but at least you will be trying.  When you can spot this behavior in yourself you will be ready to listen much more effectively and to help correct your chances of miss-communicating.  Keep me posted on your progress so we can be more focused as we continue to talk about developing and maintaining healthy relationships.

-Jerry Marks